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So I haven't done any of the things on the "oh my blog" award list yet like I said I would (see previous blog). I think the main reason is because I felt embarrassed that I got confused and thought I was supposed to do them all and made a big stink about it. So silly right? But if I'm being honest (and that's the main reason I'm here, that and to have fun heheh) then I have to admit that that's the reason. Embarrassment has always baffled me. Why do we get so worked up about so many silly little inconsequential incidents? It's something I've always wanted to change or refuse to feel. Sometimes I'd even pretend I didn't feel it but isn't not admitting I'm embarrassed and being embarassed by my own embarrassment even sillier than getting embarrassed in the first place?
When I was 29 years old I was in a horrible relationship with a person who was completely wrong for me. I don't know what kept me there, probably fear and insecurity. While I learned some very valuable lessons from it, it was still a very painful and unhappy time in my life.
A dear friend of mine named Leda, who's like a sister to me, got married that same year. Her wedding was in PR and I attended with MR.Wrong and hoped beyond hope that it would be a good time. Leading up to the whole thing there had already been a lot of uglyness between he and i that told me it may not.
Puerto Rico was amazing as was my friends wedding but things went terrible between my then boyfriend and I. At one point we were all on a snorkeling boat together. I'd never been snorkeling before and I was excited on that beautiful day but then I was very dissapointed to see nothing bu murky empty water everywhere we went. On the flight over I had seen that sea turtles were native to the area and I don't know what makes me do things like this but I basically "faked" that I'd seen one. Everyone was completely unconvinced, especially my then boyfriend who always took any opportunity he could to make me feel stupid or small. In reaction to that I became even more adamant, even as the guys who ran the boat told me how rare it was. I pointed in a fake direction where I had supposedly seen it. Pathetic. And hilarious now but at the time it was just a heartbreaking moment for me. Not because I had told a silly little lie but because I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't even come clean. I was so sick of my guy constantly making me feel worthless (and me permitting him to by staying with someone who'd ever treat me that way intentionally or make me that unhappy.) I was ashamed that I couldn't talk to my friends about how unhappy I was and how alone I felt. I was living a lie, to everyone, including myself.
The best part about this story is how it ends (or continues)! About 6 months or so later I started telling people piece by piece. First I told my sister about it. I told her how I couldn't watch Finding Nemo without feeling sick inside and riddled with guilt about my lie. She LOVED it! She said I had pulled a total Candy.She got so much joy from my ridiculous move and even more from my ridiculous guilt over it. She vowed not to tell but she would tease me in cute ways like calling me up and just saying "sea turtle" then hanging up the phone. Once I even thought she was giving my story away to Leda but actually she was delighting in the silly lie further. She told Leda that actually it was not surprising that I hadn't made "that big a deal" about it because our family had an extensive knowledge about sea turtles and quite a lot of experience with them.
It was brilliant.Carly's response was love and playfulness because Carly LOVES me. And the same would be true of every other person I confessed to right down to my sweet Leda. I never told Mr. Wrong and thankfully we broke up not too long after the incident but I did find my Mr.Right and he laughs at it and loves it as much as everyone else did.
So I guess it made me realize that when people love you they also love the ridiculous things you do to embarrass yourself. It's actually a plus even. And really those are the things that connect us as human beings. Those flaws and silly slips. I believe that those are the only people whose opinions should matter anyway. The people who we love and most importantly those who love us back. That and one's own ability to laugh at themselves and silly things we all do.
P.S: My Beloved and I went snorkeling in St.John last year and I saw 3 sea turtles! And this time I aint lyin. Though I did have to pull him over and show him proof. Heheheh ;)
